MATTER LIFE DEATH
I’m in a curious position of late. I’ll get more specific since I’m nearly always curious. And frequently late. The matter at hand- my late mother and sister. These dovetail quickly into my late brother and father. The matter at and in my hands though are material matter that mattered (separately) to both of them, the female contingent.
Their things; I have what’s left of their things. The details (I just corrected that from deathtails) don’t currently matter. Suffice to say, there’s no one left to care about what happens to the things they cared about but me. The boxes of my sister’s photographs were an interesting challenge.. I ended up throwing out photos of scenics and wildlife, buildings and whatnot. I threw out anything that didn’t have humans. There is no one left alive with sentimental feelings about any of those trips. Her ex man is dead too. I will group the photos and send them out to two major friends, and they can distribute them or not, as they like. One large box off of my grief plate, and I guess on to theirs. May it help instead of hinder.
Life is short they say, and yeah. Now I didn’t see babies much growing up, and I never minded that. The 80’s were for cool cucumbers and I fit the profile. I do see them sometimes now that I work part time as a birth registrar. Babies have just walked in, are a little confused. Everything is so different from where they just were. Face still kind of mashed into itself, still unfurling, eyes rolling and moving without knowing how to do that whole translation to the brain process yet. Not to mention gravity.. what the CAN NOT MOVE is going ON. (!). Parents also confused, happy usually, also terrified particularly the first timers. Sometimes though it’s the parents who have 3 or four children already, weren’t totally expecting this one, got a tubal ligation at the same time who are more terrified, for different reasons. As in.. HOW am I going to do this AGAIN. They already know the New Soul score, know everything it entails, and know that now they have to rally. Nearly everyone though defaults to a kind of breathless smile eventually, because, well.. that new little being sure is perfection. For sure. Well.. so that’s life.
Life. According to the board game, the object is to be the player with the most money at the end. “He who dies with the most toys wins” is a joke my dad used to giggle about in the 80’s. It’s true that we are living in a material world, sang the material girl. Yeah, it’s true. Ok. But it’s not ‘the most’, so much as what you do with it. But can’t you do more with more? Sometimes, if you’ve that awareness. If you don’t, you can actually do less, drag yourself and others back. It matters, it matters. All your physical work you leave behind. Whatever you have or haven’t done for people is what you take with you. Yeah now think Jacob Marley. Compare and contrast. Most of us can certainly make adjustments.
Death. You’ve met zombies, right? Maybe you’ve even been one, I have. You just know you’re not hitting it, any of it. Oh, let me tell you what a time I had trying to explain depression to my mother after my father died, and also trying to explain to her that she was in the middle of it. Oh, she said. It’s not dramatic. No, I said. Being barely noticeable is kind of its whole thing. And then it’ll be 3 days since you showered and 2 years since you cared about anything. And you need to get yourself out regularly with other people so that you don’t waft off. She listened to me then, also saw a doctor about antidepressants, and in doing so built an existence without my father at her side. An existence. For the rest of her life, she tried to make move that existence into something akin to Life, but she never did succeed to her satisfaction. The nearer she came to physical death, the clearer that became me and I think to her. They say when you’re about to drown your brain tells you to go ahead and breathe the water, it will be fine. I think something akin to that happened to her. Staying on earth just didn’t matter. Finally, she’d lost the battle of keeping her head above water.
When people in my family started dropping off to the other side, and I found I became startlingly ungrounded, I gained a new understanding of survivors of trauma such as car crash or war, where many loved ones would have been lost in quick succession. I also began to seriously worry about societal fabric in the wake of Covid. I’m still worried. Now we have multiple horrific wars across the planet wreaking the same sort of spiritual havoc. Some of that warring population claim that death means nothing to them and indeed that is how they behave. Aborigines believe that we’re literally living the dream, so to speak. No. That this living is a kind of dream. I myself am a little lost. I’m not sure why I’m here but no one else in my family is. The only thing I can do is carry on/my best. I hope and pray, as much for myself as anyone that these difficulties, this clash between matter and spirit that the experience of death brings bring us each around, redirect our spiritual GPS to the only thing that matters- caring for each other.
Their things; I have what’s left of their things. The details (I just corrected that from deathtails) don’t currently matter. Suffice to say, there’s no one left to care about what happens to the things they cared about but me. The boxes of my sister’s photographs were an interesting challenge.. I ended up throwing out photos of scenics and wildlife, buildings and whatnot. I threw out anything that didn’t have humans. There is no one left alive with sentimental feelings about any of those trips. Her ex man is dead too. I will group the photos and send them out to two major friends, and they can distribute them or not, as they like. One large box off of my grief plate, and I guess on to theirs. May it help instead of hinder.
Life is short they say, and yeah. Now I didn’t see babies much growing up, and I never minded that. The 80’s were for cool cucumbers and I fit the profile. I do see them sometimes now that I work part time as a birth registrar. Babies have just walked in, are a little confused. Everything is so different from where they just were. Face still kind of mashed into itself, still unfurling, eyes rolling and moving without knowing how to do that whole translation to the brain process yet. Not to mention gravity.. what the CAN NOT MOVE is going ON. (!). Parents also confused, happy usually, also terrified particularly the first timers. Sometimes though it’s the parents who have 3 or four children already, weren’t totally expecting this one, got a tubal ligation at the same time who are more terrified, for different reasons. As in.. HOW am I going to do this AGAIN. They already know the New Soul score, know everything it entails, and know that now they have to rally. Nearly everyone though defaults to a kind of breathless smile eventually, because, well.. that new little being sure is perfection. For sure. Well.. so that’s life.
Life. According to the board game, the object is to be the player with the most money at the end. “He who dies with the most toys wins” is a joke my dad used to giggle about in the 80’s. It’s true that we are living in a material world, sang the material girl. Yeah, it’s true. Ok. But it’s not ‘the most’, so much as what you do with it. But can’t you do more with more? Sometimes, if you’ve that awareness. If you don’t, you can actually do less, drag yourself and others back. It matters, it matters. All your physical work you leave behind. Whatever you have or haven’t done for people is what you take with you. Yeah now think Jacob Marley. Compare and contrast. Most of us can certainly make adjustments.
Death. You’ve met zombies, right? Maybe you’ve even been one, I have. You just know you’re not hitting it, any of it. Oh, let me tell you what a time I had trying to explain depression to my mother after my father died, and also trying to explain to her that she was in the middle of it. Oh, she said. It’s not dramatic. No, I said. Being barely noticeable is kind of its whole thing. And then it’ll be 3 days since you showered and 2 years since you cared about anything. And you need to get yourself out regularly with other people so that you don’t waft off. She listened to me then, also saw a doctor about antidepressants, and in doing so built an existence without my father at her side. An existence. For the rest of her life, she tried to make move that existence into something akin to Life, but she never did succeed to her satisfaction. The nearer she came to physical death, the clearer that became me and I think to her. They say when you’re about to drown your brain tells you to go ahead and breathe the water, it will be fine. I think something akin to that happened to her. Staying on earth just didn’t matter. Finally, she’d lost the battle of keeping her head above water.
When people in my family started dropping off to the other side, and I found I became startlingly ungrounded, I gained a new understanding of survivors of trauma such as car crash or war, where many loved ones would have been lost in quick succession. I also began to seriously worry about societal fabric in the wake of Covid. I’m still worried. Now we have multiple horrific wars across the planet wreaking the same sort of spiritual havoc. Some of that warring population claim that death means nothing to them and indeed that is how they behave. Aborigines believe that we’re literally living the dream, so to speak. No. That this living is a kind of dream. I myself am a little lost. I’m not sure why I’m here but no one else in my family is. The only thing I can do is carry on/my best. I hope and pray, as much for myself as anyone that these difficulties, this clash between matter and spirit that the experience of death brings bring us each around, redirect our spiritual GPS to the only thing that matters- caring for each other.
Things that Touch us as we Swim
Another death. A small piece of fabric, a thread really, of the blanket of souls that are US, had left the planet. Unseen by human eyes, without that kind of company. Alone. Who knows how many times it happens.
Due to Covid-19, the human species got a much bigger taste of this than anyone would have wanted. Dying alone, drowning in bed, no one able to do anything more to help. In the end it's between each one of us & G*d anyway, as it is when we're born. But what a leaden catastrophe, to exit without touch, without witness/presence of love at your side. And what feelings we're left with, those of us continuing our dented existence here on Earth. How is it that we move from place to place- work, groceries, prayer & group services, sleep, nature, work again- carrying in our chests these frightened birds or butterflies, heavy as clay but sharp & bright as lemon juice in a cut. I don't ever remember reading that grief is a scared wild animal attempting refuge in each of our hearts as a stray dog under an old car. Poor choice, & yet.. it's what's there.
I didn't lose anyone to Covid myself, I lost them to other awful diseases.
Orange was a koi fish I never completely named, but my love for its beauty and swims grew daily. It is not an exaggeration when I say I thanked G*d for the unique presence of this particular fish as I grew to know it better.
It would sometimes get the zoomies, and really enjoyed the feeling of the bubbles from the fountain on it's back. You touched me. I'm hoping you touch others who read here.
Swim on now.
Due to Covid-19, the human species got a much bigger taste of this than anyone would have wanted. Dying alone, drowning in bed, no one able to do anything more to help. In the end it's between each one of us & G*d anyway, as it is when we're born. But what a leaden catastrophe, to exit without touch, without witness/presence of love at your side. And what feelings we're left with, those of us continuing our dented existence here on Earth. How is it that we move from place to place- work, groceries, prayer & group services, sleep, nature, work again- carrying in our chests these frightened birds or butterflies, heavy as clay but sharp & bright as lemon juice in a cut. I don't ever remember reading that grief is a scared wild animal attempting refuge in each of our hearts as a stray dog under an old car. Poor choice, & yet.. it's what's there.
I didn't lose anyone to Covid myself, I lost them to other awful diseases.
Orange was a koi fish I never completely named, but my love for its beauty and swims grew daily. It is not an exaggeration when I say I thanked G*d for the unique presence of this particular fish as I grew to know it better.
It would sometimes get the zoomies, and really enjoyed the feeling of the bubbles from the fountain on it's back. You touched me. I'm hoping you touch others who read here.
Swim on now.